The complete collection of “The Warden’s” Covid posts

In October 2020, my family contracted Covid. I shared our stories on Facebook and realized people like to laugh at my sh*t show, so here we are.

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October 26th, 2020

COVID update from cell block Mccutchen- the prisoner is feeling much better and getting restless. He is requesting 3 square meals a day now and sometimes snacks in between. I liked him better when he was sick. He was less needy when he slept all the time. The tiny inmates are fighting. Tensions are already running high as they can’t seem to find things to occupy their time. I’m going to form a chain gang to clean the house soon. I will keep you posted on how that goes. #covidquarantine2020

October 27th, 2020

COVID update from cell block McCutchen: The prisoner escaped today and was walking the grounds. He seemed to flaunt his new found freedom by knocking on the bedroom window to alert the warden of his presence. Due to extreme temps and flip flops, he didn’t escape long before he returned to his cell for some nice warmth and more food.

He is also reporting he feels 100% today, except some minor back pain from sleeping on the bed in his cell block. Prison beds aren’t known for their comfort. During his escape he managed to get some work done around the outside of the prison, including unhooking garden hoses and closing vents under the house. This should be enough to pay for his next few days stay in the prison.

The tiny inmates focused on independent learning today with their chrome books. That went well until they started rioting, due to the extreme difficulties of the tasks assigned. The riots lasted most of the morning with some protesting, threats of violence, and lots of sighs. However, after some counseling from the warden, the seem more settled and we all made it out alive.

The warden went for a COVID test today. Not due to symptoms, but just as a precaution due to some medications I take. Hopefully that comes back negative tomorrow. The warden is also exhausted…so the chain gang will be making their own meals this evening. I hope they remember to feed the prisoner upstairs. Cereal for EVERYONE! #covidquarantine2020

October 28th, 2020

COVID update from cell block McCutchen: The warden has officially been cleared of the Rona! Which of course is wonderful news, especially since I was certain that bitch Rona was coming for me next.

The prisoner is ecstatic about the results but I’m afraid he is now planning an uprising. He is restless and spent the better part of his day telling me the walls of his cell are beginning to close in around him. He attempted negotiations for early release, which are being firmly denied. Never the less, it hasn’t stopped him from trying. He is also getting lazy with the mask ordinance that is strictly enforced when he leaves his room to go outside. He was caught twice today in the loft without his mask, which I reminded him will result in an extended quarantine for all of us if he spreads the Rona. I’m afraid his hostile actions are evidence that he is planning his uprising soon, so further action may be needed to keep the prisoner in his cell. Does anyone know if you can get padlocks from Wal-Mart contactless pick-up?

Emotions are high amongst the tiny inmates today. They heavily protested chain gang duty, which resulted in additional jobs until they learned the warden never runs out of things for them to clean. They finally got in line and stopped their protests. After they completed chain gang and independent learning, a major fight broke out. There was yelling and hitting and some tears involved. One inmate was caught in possession of a nerf weapon during the fight which resulted in a shot to the eye for the other prisoner. After facing heavy gunfire, the warden was able to battle the elements to break up the fight. Both spent some time in solitary and seemed to return with better attitudes. We will all be glad when it stops raining so they can have some yard time and work out some aggression.

Tomorrow I plan to put one tiny inmate on laundry duty and the other on cooking. As warden I’ve decided I should no longer have to tend to mediocre tasks such as these. Im far too good for those, especially when i have inmates to do it for me. I will keep you posted on how their new chain gang responsibilities go. #covidquarantine2020

October 29th, 2020

**BONUS**COVID update from cell block McCutchen (because you seriously cant make this stuff up ): Ok friends, while I’ve been busy playing warden and taking care of the inmates….I’ve also been tasked with taking care of the animals. We have Gizmo (our little Morkie), Bailey (our 10 month old giant puppy), Kiwi (the cockatiel), Hunter (Peyton’s bearded dragon), and Ginger (Bradley’s Gerbil). It’s a full blown zoo because I’m a glutton for punishment and we love all the creatures. The tiny inmates are good about helping but sometimes the warden has to step in and remind them what proper animal care entails.

Now flash back to last Thursday….the prisoner was being tested for the Rona, so I immediately quarantined him upstairs and spent the rest of the evening (and most of Friday) washing bedding, bleaching the house, cleaning bathrooms, and Lysoling EVERYTHING. Exhausted but feeling quite proud of my accomplishments, I settled into bed to relax and snuggle with my sweet Bailey girl. My moment of relaxation was quickly interrupted by the sound of her giant tongue licking her lady bits. “Stop Bailey!” I beckoned, as she continued to lick. Totally unfazed by my desperate pleas for peace and quiet, she licked more….while the sound of her massive tongue back and forth was like nails on a chalkboard to my ever exhausted soul. Frustrated I made her get off the bed. When she jumped down i noticed a bright red spot on my freshly laundered sheets. She was in heat. Her first heat…..ever…..and the evidence is now left on my bed.

I spent the better part of an hour trying to figure out where I could purchase doggy diapers. Not only did i need doggy diapers, but i needed contactless curbside pickup because the inmate was being tested for the Rona. Thanks to Petco, I found the perfect ones and made the journey to Springfield to get them. Putting them on her, without the assistance of the prisoner proved to be my next challenge. Picture me….wrestling a small horse like dog with diaper in hand. That took about 20 minutes but with the help of the chain gang we accomplished our goal. Getting the diapers on is one issue, keeping them on is another. She takes them off no less than 3 times a day. The moment she’s left alone she pulls them off and prances through the house to show us her accomplishment. Never the less, we have been managing.

We have had some mishaps during the last week with the diapers…..she’s managed to get outside with them on. Imagine her….squatting to do her business….while still wearing it. That went as well as you can imagine. I’ve laundered them 300 times I’m sure, but we are now almost down to a science and things on the diaper front are getting better. The next challenge we have is making sure all other dogs stay out of my yard while she’s in heat. Being the responsible pet owners that we are, Bailey wears a proximity collar so she can’t terrorize the neighborhood. Not everyone does the same though, so we do have the occasional visiting dogs from other houses. Which is usually fine…..unless my Bailey is in heat.

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Flash forward to 8:30am today. I’ve been doing this warden business for a week today folks! I’m a professional now. The inmates are fed, everyone has clean clothes (although they may be on my couch, no one is wearing dirty drawers so we consider it a win), the zoo is taken care of, the chain gang is helping with the chores, and I’m working a full time job. I’ve totally got this under control…..until I hear a loud shrieking sound from outside. My first thought….Bailey has finally gotten the neighborhood cat that’s been tormenting her for weeks. Panicked that she’s torturing it, I rush to the window to find her….knotted up with the male neighbor dog from 3 houses down. 30 minutes folks….she had been outside 30 minutes. Clearly….I DO NOT have this under control. Too little too late now, nothing I can do at this point. I called the prisoner to notify him of the possibility we could soon be grandparents to several puppies, all of which we will name Rona. He laughed, in his usual “Its all good” tone and said “Well we will wait to see what happens.”

I watched patiently from the window for the next few minutes, waiting for them to pull apart. Once they finally did….the male dog laid down and i could clearly see….he is FIXED. (At least i hope so….my vision is going a little as i age…so there’s that.) It seems the puppy crisis of 2020 has been averted and all is right with the world again. Or at least that small aspect of ours. Now, before you all go animal rights activists on me….we initially planned to breed our sweet Bailey one time with another dog of the same breed. So we hadn’t fixed her yet. However, in lite of recent events, the Rona, the diapers, the dog knot at 830am…..she will be getting fixed as soon as quarantine is over. #covidquarantine2020

October 30th, 2020

COVID update from cell block Mccutchen: I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about karma this week. All those times I told my dad and grandma they couldn’t ground me when I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want when I’m grown!! Enter 2020: hello Rona. That bitch Rona is like everyone’s karma for being little a-holes as teens. Not only are we “grounded” as adults but we are also grounded WITH our kids, who (like us) are tiny a-holes!! Well played Rona, well played.

The oldest of the tiny inmates has a cell phone these days. He is popular, and flashy, and “all about the ladies” as he says. His phone has parental controls because I’m a responsible warden. Last night, Mr. Ladies man got mouthy with the warden so I took his phone. As warden, I must inspect all contraband…..so I started diligently reading middle school texts and browsing his google search history. Of course, I found the typical middle school boy stuff….well placed curse words with his “boys” so he sounds cool. Flirty texts with the girls but nothing over the top. Several questionable Tik Tok videos that sent me over the edge…..and then I made it to his google. There it was folks….the google searches you know your middle schooler will make but you hope they don’t. The ones that say he is maturing into an adolescent and no longer your innocent baby. The ones that you know you’re going to have to speak with him about…..but your warden training manual didn’t include this section. The ones that the parental controls DID stop him from finding anything but didn’t stop him from TRYING to find.

Karma….I’m sure this is karma. All those times grandma said “You just wait honey, someday you will understand. Someday you’re going to have kids of your own and I pray they are 10 times worse than you so you get paid back.” I’m certain grandma’s prayers did this to me. Unsure of how to handle all my new found knowledge of the boys phone…..I enlisted the counsel of the prisoner. We opened the garage door, sat across the garage from each other, grabbed a drink…..and discussed how to handle the tiny inmate. We spent the better part of an hour talking about what we’d say. The prisoner assured me that he is a boy and some of this is normal curiosity. He agreed to talk to him, and I thought of all the things I would say to him as his mom and current warden.

This morning the tiny inmate made it to my room first thing to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Trying to feel out how long he would be grounded for. I took the opportunity to talk with him about safe Internet usage (again….we talk about this a lot), I talked with him about the questionable Tik Tok videos and his behavior, we discussed the kind of young man he wants to become, and about our morals. We addressed his use of curse words around his buddies and the fact that he will have all the time in the world to grow up but for now, he needs to be a kid, a respectable kid that doesn’t use language like that. And then I brought up the talk…..the one neither of us wants to have.

I carefully discussed his google search history….and asked him what questions he had. I could see his cheeks start to turn red. He was squirming, and fumbling for words. By now I feel a little vindicated that he’s uncomfortable…..I mean, this was the LAST thing I wanted to do during our quarantine…..so if I can embarrass him….we will consider it a bonus. We discussed the birds….the bees….the 3 showers a day he takes. When I got to the part that I said “Bub, all of this is normal and you’re not in trouble. Everyone feels…” his face was now bright red. His ears glowing hot like the sunshine on a warm summer day and the sheer look of embarrassment on his face was one I will never forget. “Mom!!! Ok, I get it…..can I PLEASE just talk to Andrew or Dad about this?! Will you please stop?? I will talk to them. I’m sorry mom, it won’t happen again. Ever…..I SWEAR….but can we PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS.”

My job here is done. He may have gotten away with some things for a few weeks…..he may have won a battle here and there….but that sentence right there….means I won the war this time. Parenting isn’t for the weak folks. It’s not for the faint of heart…..especially parenting boys. Sometimes we don’t yell, we don’t go over the top….we use our powers of embarrassing them to get our point across. Only 6 more days of quarantine….I can’t wait to see what’s next. #covidquarantine2020

November 12th, 2020

COVID update from cell block Hasler: You all said you’d miss the updates…..so being the good friend I am, I decided to take one for the team and contract the Rona for myself. Truthfully I just felt like the warden needed a few weeks of downtime after running the prison for awhile. So here I am…..living it up in another round of lockup with the inmates. Only this time, the inmates are running the show. The tiny ones are running a muck, mostly unsupervised due to my quarantine. I threatened them with walking the plank if they aren’t good so, we should be fine for at least a day or two.

The diagnosis for the Rona happened at the emergency room last night. After not quite feeling myself for awhile….I finally broke down and got treatment when I realized I was having difficulty breathing. Andrew dropped me off and I went in to await my fate. Now, I’m not a germaphobe but I’m also not a fan of hospitals either. Particularly hospital waiting rooms…..if you aren’t sick when you go there, you will be when you leave. I checked in and was told I could have a seat next to a tiny old man with snot bubbles coming from his nose. The only chair left in the waiting room. Apparently the pure look of disgust on my face was enough because the kind receptionist offered me a chair in the hallway. Yes please!

For the next 4 hours, I welcomed death as I sat miserable in the hallway on the worlds hardest chair. The irony of my situation was not lost on me….being that I am the one likely with COVID…..but the snot bubble old man is too much for me, as I surely didn’t want whatever he had. Finally…..it was my turn! My patients had paid off and I was going to get to lay in a bed for awhile. That sounded amazing!! We walk to the exam room to find the worlds tiniest cot….not a bed….but a cot. Stellar. I feel like I can’t breathe, my back hurts from what I’m sure is pneumonia, and my butt is bruised from 4 hours on the hard chair in the hallway. Never the less, beggars can’t be choosers. I happily laid down and tried to get comfortable while they ran every test under the sun. Final verdict: COVID and pneumonia. After a shot of steroids that burned like fire, a round of antibiotics, a breathing treatment and inhaler, I was finally homeward bound.

On a serious note, if you all aren’t feeling well….get yourself checked out. My symptoms were TOTALLY different than Andrew’s and up until the pneumonia, I never had anything that made me think Rona. I’ve unknowingly exposed friends and my kids because I didn’t get tested earlier. In my defense I had a negative test when I was not showing symptoms at all so I didn’t think there was any way it could be Rona. Wear a mask guys, I am republican. I am all about the government staying out of our business….but after going through the Rona twice now and working our way up to a month of quarantine…..if there is a small chance the mask will help….please wear them. Not being able to breathe, as a relatively healthy 32 year old woman is a pretty scary feeling. It definitely puts the reality of this virus into perspective. So if you’re so inclined, wear a mask…..on the off chance they actually do help. You may be protecting your family. #covidquarantine2020#wardengetstherona