On today’s episode of freeloader Friday, let’s discuss the littlest freeloaders in the house right now…….the puppies. Friends, let me just preface this post with the fact that I’ve never raised puppies before, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
Bailey was brought home to be Andrews dog. I had Gizmo…..who regularly reminded Andrew that he was in charge. Gizmo and Andrew had a love-hate relationship. They were fine, until it came to spending time with me. Gizmo growled and bit at him every time Andrew got close to me. So in an obvious attempt to reclaim his manhood in our home, Andrew found a giant dog breed and brought her home. He was so proud and she was an awesome pup. He finally had a big dog that could show Gizmo who’s boss!! Until…..she quickly bonded to me because I’m with her all the time! Oops…. So, naturally, when she went into labor, she wanted to be near me. We let her have her puppies in our bedroom to make her more comfortable. For those, like myself, who have never birthed puppies….don’t do it in your freaking bedroom. They stink. They are dirty. They cry….a lot. Their mom only likes them for the first week and then she hides in the closet to get away from them, so you’re stuck with 8 crying puppies while she naps, in your putrid bedroom. The miracle of life is amazing…ly exhausting!
We lasted 3 weeks with them in our room, before they were relocated to more appropriate accommodations, known as Hotel De Garage. It features weekly rates, a window unit Air Conditioner, concrete floors, and a well stocked beer fridge for social gatherings. Little freeloading mooches can stink up Andrews garage, I needed my bedroom back. Relocation was an excellent idea, except for one minor problem. Bailey had lived her entire life in our home. Now, she was isolated…..left alone all night with a mob of tiny freeloaders who were starting to get teeth. Needless to say, she was pissed. In retaliation, she decided she’d just wean them, instead of feed them. After all, when you’re a dog…you can call your offspring freeloading moochers and walk away, and it’s totally acceptable. The human will pick up your slack and feed the tiny mob.
Monday morning Bailey was anything but happy. She was lethargic, exhausted, and appeared to be in significant pain. After a quick trip to the vet, it was determined she had mastitis in one teet. It was a little smaller than a baseball, hard, hot, and very clearly painful. Antibiotics and express the milk twice a day by hand, don’t let the puppies nurse off of it, begin weaning, and keep it clean. The vets instructions were pretty straightforward, I got this!
Have any of y’all ever tried to milk your dog? No?? Just me?? Ok, well it’s great fun. I am the Warden ok, a city girl with a small country side when the mood strikes. I can fish and pick up snakes with the best of them but I’m gonna need a manicure and a pedicure when we are done. This means that “milking” anything….isn’t in my wheel house. Thank God for Google. Also watched some YouTube videos to make sure I was doing it right. It felt a bit awkward and dirty to google “how to milk my dog” but, I prayed no one would check my search history and kept pressing forward. The first day of milking was ok. The vet had just emptied it earlier that day so it was relatively easy. By day 2 she was on to my tricks…..she was not going to sit for me, or lay down. Instead she would stand with her head down and feet locked while I tried desperately to empty her. For those of you that know me well, i can be rather stubborn. It’s only fitting that we get a dog with my same tendencies, that’s Gods sense of humor, I’m sure. She and I spent the better part of an hour battling the wills. I was going to milk her and she was not going to let me. Eventually we compromised and I didn’t milk her. Completely my decision and in no way stemmed from the fact that she’s a bigger bitch than me and won the fight. Awesome, now not only did she hate me….but she also hated her puppies. Those little assholes have teeth now and they aren’t exactly gentle when they nurse. Their razor sharp claws dig into her skin and leave scratches on her. Her teet is infected and incredibly painful. Don’t worry Bailey, I wouldn’t feed them either. Get a freaking job, freeloaders!!
Since Bailey had gone on strike, it was up to me to begin feeding them. In between working a full time job, taking care of 3 kids and a husband, attending regular baseball games, spending hours googling how to milk my dog and another several hours unsuccessfully milking her…..I also make puppy smoothies. That’s right, these little mooches are being fed gourmet meals, full of next step puppy milk and dog food. They can’t chew well yet (we are only 3 days into textured food) so it’s blended to make sure they are eating. Each day I make the smoothies thicker until we get to hard foods.
What were y’all doing last night at midnight? I bet you weren’t making gourmet puppy smoothies?? Or changing puppy pads for the 87th time that day!! My life right now, is really glamorous, being a newlywed and all, so I had to share. Be jealous friends, it’s amazing over here. After the last 4 weeks, I feel like I’ve earned an extra title. Going forward I will no longer be known as the warden, you can call me The (game) Warden!
If you need me this weekend, I will be at home. Taking care of all my freeloaders, unsuccessfully milking my dog, changing puppy pads, and making gourmet puppy food while Bailey watches me from her thrown. Have a great weekend friends!
The (game) Warden