Let’s talk about the tiny freeloaders today, because as cute as they are….let’s face it, puppies are disgusting. I mean, don’t get me wrong, after their bath, I love to snuggle them. However, aside from that 5 minute window of time, I’m mostly over them and their freeloading ways. Get a job freeloaders!! And take a bath, you smell like poop.
When the puppies were born though, I was overly excited to share the news. Text messages went out to everyone I knew. There were pictures of them coming out, pictures of them being cleaned, pictures of them scooting across the floor to find their mommy, pictures of their first poops. I was like a new mom, sharing pictures of my first kid with the world. Except mine had fur and there were 8 of them….but you get the point. 🤷🏻♀️
Anyway, as they grew we began finding homes for them. A good friend and extended family member got pick of the litter, her father owned the stud, so it was only fair. With all the excitement of the first week, I didn’t spend much time identifying male and female. I tried to leave them alone as much as possible and let Bailey do all the work. This was her first litter so she was a bit….extra. While they grew, I continued to share pictures with the few people that had shown interest in the pups. After all, these little free loaders eventually need homes. I’m not making gourmet puppy smoothies and changing puppy pads forever.
It wasn’t long before they were big enough to have visitors. Great!! I can finally start planning for their future homes. When they were about 2 weeks old, I spent a few minutes while changing their bedding, determining which were male and female. Our friend, Amber, who had pick of the litter decided she wanted a boy and he must be brown. Awesome!! According to my count, we have 2 brown boys and one female. No problem! She was beyond elated to bring her kids and show off the adorable pups!!
One lazy Sunday, they dropped by for a visit that lasted most of the day. There were puppy snuggles, wet kisses from the tiny freeloaders trying to get another free meal, and lots of pictures taken. After all, this would be the kids first real pet! It wasn’t long before Amber had made her decision, they would take the darkest color brown puppy and his name would be Zuse! We found homes for a few more pups and continued caring for them and watching them grow.
Last Sunday, Amber and the kids wanted to come for another visit. They want to bond with Zuse as much as possible before he comes home. Before their arrival, Andrew and I set out to feed them, change their bedding, and give them baths before they came to visit. No one wants to hold a tiny freeloader that smells like poop.
I prepared my bath station at the kitchen sink. Towels ✅ Washcloth ✅ Extra mild puppy shampoo ✅ Water adjusted to the perfect temperature ✅ We we’re ready to bathe the mob! I recruited Andrew to bring me one at a time. I would wash and rinse, he would dry and return them to their bed, then bring another one inside. We had the perfect assembly line and the pups would be smelling fresh just in time for Ambers arrival. We totally got this shit, I thought, as I bathed the first freeloader.
We made it through the first 3 and I asked Andrew to bring Ambers pup inside so he’d be clean and dry by the time they got here. “Which one is it babe?”, he yelled from the garage. “The dark brown male!”, I hollered loudly over the sound of the fan. He returned with a giant grin and a tiny brown puppy. “Babe, this is the runt. The one she’s taking is darker brown, he’s the only other brown boy out there. I will wash this one, but make sure you get him next.”, I barked, as I hurriedly washed the runt puppy. I pondered in silence for awhile as I washed the tiny runt. “How could he not know this is the runt?!”, I thought to myself. “I know every single one; they are 4 weeks old. Ugh….men really don’t pay any attention.”, I continued in my thoughts until I was interrupted by Andrew.
Andrew- So, there’s only two brown pups left….and they are both girls.
Me- (here we go, he clearly didn’t look hard enough) Babe, the dark brown boy….the other brown one has a home. She’s big, light brown and female! I need the one Amber is getting. Little, dark brown, BOY!
Andrew- (obviously frustrated with my lack of understanding) Ok, but honey….there are only two BROWN dogs outside and they are both GIRLS.
Me- Fine, just bring me whatever one is out there. The smallest, darkest brown one. (No sense in arguing with him now, I’m clearly right so I will just show him when he brings it inside.)
Andrew hurried down the hallway, desperate to prove me wrong and returned with the tiny brown freeloader Amber claimed for herself. He hands me the puppy and says, “Now look! It is a GIRL. I know how to tell if it has a penis. Obviously YOU DO NOT!” He chuckled as I held the small puppy over the sink to have a look. “Huh, there’s no wiener. It really is a girl?!”, I said, still puzzled at the findings. Andrew spent the better part of an hour making fun of me, while I sulked and tried to figure out how to tell Amber that her little Zuse was actually Zusette.
I decided a text message to Amber was the best way to break the news. I knew she was on her way over and I didn’t have the heart to do it face to face. Ok, that’s a lie. In the interest of transparency, I actually just really hate to be wrong. You see, I’m pretty much the smartest person that I know, so admitting in person that I clearly didn’t know how to find the penis, wasn’t something I was ready to do. I sent a nice text before she got to my house and prepared to find a new home for the tiny, dark brown, female, gender confused, freeloading puppy.
Amber showed up with a small glimmer of hope in her eye. “You’re just messing with me right? It’s a boy? I’ve already picked out his collar and food dishes. I’m having things made that say Zuse!”, she said, with a downcast tone to her voice. “Yea, I wish I was kidding. Apparently I suck at this puppy thing and I had it’s gender wrong. Andrew figured it out today during bath time. I am so sorry, but in my defense, you held her for like 4 hours and didn’t notice either!! Not entirely my fault.”, I said, as I tried to flash some of the blame onto her because I’m also a little shallow.
We spent the next several hours holding puppies and discussing how much of an idiot I am for getting it wrong. I mean, this wasn’t exactly a small screw up. I totally got the gender of a puppy wrong. Anatomy 101 people, we learned it in Elementary school. Obviously I wasn’t paying attention during that lesson. 🤦🏻♀️
Thankfully Amber is a good sport and agreed to take her anyway. Ok, that is also a lie. She had already bonded to it and her kids had planned on bringing it home. She really couldn’t back out. No one wants to face two devastated children and tell them you’re going to have to find a new puppy because Mallory is a moron. At least I had that going for me. I spent most of my afternoon trying to convince her to take a male and a female, so she could have the best of both worlds! The little runt is pretty cute, I saved his life, and he will probably be the smallest of the litter, so much easier to take care of! Aside from being deprived of oxygen for a short time at birth, he seems to be perfectly healthy! He may be slightly….slow….from the lack of oxygen, but nothing some good training can’t fix! My sales pitch failed miserably as she stuck to her guns and continued on with her plan to bring home the tiny, dark brown, female, gender confused, freeloader. They have settled on the name Mocha, which is absolutely perfect and completely gender neutral, just in case she decides later in life that she’d like to go back to being a boy. I mean, she was a boy for the first 4 weeks of life. 🤷🏻♀️🙄 I can’t wait to find out which gender she chooses. #girlpuppy #boypuppy #puppymom #toomanypuppies